This is how it appeared back in the day. Composed and typed on an actual type writer by Rob Pfeifer!!
The TWO TON HEAVYTHING Bio...
Although they’ve been together as a unit for less than a year, TWO TON HEAVYTHING has already acquired the reputation as one of the Midwest’s most pleasant bands. Since the day they met at the prestigious Emily Post School of Manners, TTH has been working day and night to produce some of the most terrifically interesting music of the quasi-neo-post-classical era. As for the specific members of TTH:
STEVE “grapes” THODE plays the bass guitar in the band. He is one of the most accurate bassists around. Steve is a “to himself” kind of guy whose legion of fans continually mistake his disrespect and contempt for them as shyness. Steve never does anything wrong and is always willing to help around the house.
“Gentleman” JEFF SALZMAN is the guitar player in the band. Outside of playing the guitar he has never held a steady job in his life. His utter lack of domestic skills coupled with an uncanny fashion sense attracts a rabid throng of young, female admirers. When people see Jeff, they can’t help but become enthralled by his chord choices and the emotional complexity of his plaintive vocals. In short, every one of Jeff’s performances is a daily briefing as to what is happening in the music and clothing industries.
At the tender age of 21, “tv” MIKE WOEFEL has already established himself as a master percussionist. Mike’s unparralled work ethic leaves him in a constant state of fatigue. His fans continually ask him deep probing questions such as “What’s up?” which will enable Mike to extoll the virtues of the numerous charitable causes that he actively promotes. Mike never smiles or wears socks.
TWO TON HEAVYTHING will be bringing their traveling festival of sound to a town near you, so calm down and get tickets now!!!